there's a hole inside my skull with warm air rushing in

Winter quarter is providing tough times for my close friends and roommates, and I'm hoping the mood shifts quickly. Last Sunday I had a ridiculous cave in with Ckaps that was filthy to say the least. I wish I knew how to just turn off those hormones when we begin talking, because it always starts out innocent enough but always progresses to that stage over the course of a couple of hours, which also is despicable considering I usually am the one to give in and text him some mundane bullshit about our weekends or something. Why can we not just have the great friendship we once did? It's so far gone at this time that I don't either of us really realize we're just going through the motions of this secret affair. It'd be easy enough to say I don't like it and turn him down, but it always gets good, even though I'm running around telling people that I'm not going to do it anymore if I don't start receiving what I want. The new year is young and I don't believe it's too late to put the brakes on this whole ordeal now. A few weeks ago when we spoke I told him I wanted more and to be able to talk at more occasions aside from us being horny, but that he's incapable of doing so because 95% of the time isn't "right" for him or he's not "in the mood--" an excuse that so fucking old and cheap at the moment that I wanna shit on it.
With graduation looming literally around the corner, I have to finally say goodbye to these high school attachments that continually get me down. I know who and who isn't important: Mary, Tooth, Meg, Jim, multiple others who legitimately have my back.
Colin is never going value me the way I should be valued as an out and open gay man. He wants sexual favors on his clock and his terms, and it's fucking horseshit. I can only imagine the web he spins with girls at OU; I'd love to run down their and tip his can of beans all over the place, but I will take the high road and end this admirably. Next post hopefully will be a platform to speak my ideas towards making it happen.

Goodnight my darling, goodnight. (The Clientele)