can you run as fast as this house will fall?

the start of week five winter quarter. great jam record i can't stop playing since october is Dragonslayer by Sunset Rubdown. saw them live back then and it took my knees out. i had already owned the album for two months before but didn't enjoy one track i heard. they were decent at best, but nothing i was rushing back to put anything on. after letting them sink after the show i couldn't get the intricate guitar work and addicting lyrics out of my stream of thought. every chance i got i put on "Apollo and the Buffalo...," "Idiot Heart" and "You Go On Ahead." excited to get their first album, i hear good things.

there's a hole inside my skull with warm air rushing in

Winter quarter is providing tough times for my close friends and roommates, and I'm hoping the mood shifts quickly. Last Sunday I had a ridiculous cave in with Ckaps that was filthy to say the least. I wish I knew how to just turn off those hormones when we begin talking, because it always starts out innocent enough but always progresses to that stage over the course of a couple of hours, which also is despicable considering I usually am the one to give in and text him some mundane bullshit about our weekends or something. Why can we not just have the great friendship we once did? It's so far gone at this time that I don't either of us really realize we're just going through the motions of this secret affair. It'd be easy enough to say I don't like it and turn him down, but it always gets good, even though I'm running around telling people that I'm not going to do it anymore if I don't start receiving what I want. The new year is young and I don't believe it's too late to put the brakes on this whole ordeal now. A few weeks ago when we spoke I told him I wanted more and to be able to talk at more occasions aside from us being horny, but that he's incapable of doing so because 95% of the time isn't "right" for him or he's not "in the mood--" an excuse that so fucking old and cheap at the moment that I wanna shit on it.
With graduation looming literally around the corner, I have to finally say goodbye to these high school attachments that continually get me down. I know who and who isn't important: Mary, Tooth, Meg, Jim, multiple others who legitimately have my back.
Colin is never going value me the way I should be valued as an out and open gay man. He wants sexual favors on his clock and his terms, and it's fucking horseshit. I can only imagine the web he spins with girls at OU; I'd love to run down their and tip his can of beans all over the place, but I will take the high road and end this admirably. Next post hopefully will be a platform to speak my ideas towards making it happen.

Goodnight my darling, goodnight. (The Clientele)

we walked arm in arm, but i didn't feel his touch... a desire i'd first tried to hide, that tingling inside was gone...

Just this last week I ended a 4-year closeted physical relationship between myself and "straight" friend from high school. Tt has been by the far the most miserable experience of life, and what's worse is that this is the second time it's happened. What a joy it is to be labeled psycho by high school peers I hated to begin with. I'm so emotionally attached to Colin and I want nothing more than to cut complete ties with him, but then I'm the asshole because he just wants to be friendly and act like nothing. FUCK YOU asshole how do you think I can just casually waltz in and out of this without any battle wounds? I'm so so hurt by it and what's worse is that miraculously I'm still the bad guy, when it was he he propositioned me in the first place. I bet your high school sweety of three years would love to know that you dream about mutual dick sucking between the two of us.

I'm done feeling sorry for anyone, especially myself. I've been an openly gay man for six years and do not need to jump back into the closet for anyone, especially a small-dicked skate boarder like him who can't appreciate the great qualities I'll eventually bring to a loving relationship. Ultimately, I need to look at these as incredible lessons and demonstrations of will power and self worth. I now know to never fall for anything so loveless and bullshit, so thank you Colin & Lee, and enjoy rotting in the closet for the rest of your life!

On a lighter note, I'd like to thank the wonderful Natasha Khan and her creation Bat For Lashes. What beautiful music, both albums are beyond incredible for any season. I'd be lost without your words of wisdom, my love!

i wanna see my heart's reflection in your eyes

Big time of the year coming up thinking about best albums that have come into my possession this year. There are a few acts that really plucked my heartstrings in '09, bands I should have been into years ago! What can possibly be said about the following:

-Yo La Tengo: I bought I Am Not Afraid Of You... in '06 and was very eh on it for the next two years. Thank moses for their 1993 masterpiece, Painful. A buddy of mine played "Nowhere Near" for me, and it swept me off my goddamn feet. Big time. A melody so simple yet entrancing it's nuts to think only a handful of dedicated fans probably know of it. Opener "Big Day Coming (slow)" is equally captivating, a steady ride through an endless desert of bliss. The same can be said for "A Worrying Thing." Holy shit! If these fine folks have taught me anything, it's the importance of approaching music with patience--not that it's intolerable by any means, but to find deep beauty in the simple things. Nothing will rock your balls harder than the 1-2-3 knockout of "Double Dare," "Sudan Organ," and "Big Day Coming (fast)." I won't be hearing my children thirty years from now thanks to these ditties shredding anything and everything in my ears. And this is only one of several impeccably crafted albums: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside-Out ("Saturday"--like nothing you've ever heard), Popular Songs, Summer Sun (highly highly underrated), May I Sing With Me, and I Can Hear The Heart Beating As One.

-Portishead: Third was an album I bought on a whim, and thought it was dogshit from the first listen. Couldn't bare it. Shelved it shortly after and let it trap dust for a good eight months. Thank god I came around! Without the brilliance of "The Rip," I might not have ever given this girl the proper attention needed. The weakest track on the album ("Plastic") isn't even bad, it's just competing with ten other fucking killers. Nothing will menace you more than "We Carry On," except maybe "Small," a total throw back to the '70s while simultaneously incorporating a sound like nothing anyone has ever heard. It's as if it were beamed down from another planet; the beats and grooves will have you scratching your head in awe for months. Dummy, their '94 debut, was probably my best summer purchase. The CD practically melted in the car CD player. Hands down the most addictive music I've heard this year. Whoa!

-Talking Heads: After MUCH speculation and terrible effort put forth on my part, I allowed David Byrne to blow my fucking mind at Bonnaroo this summer. The biggest surprise of the weekend! He had 5,000 rollers and stoners dancing like the night would go on forever. "I Zimbra" (from 1979's Fear Of Music) raped everybody's face. It was a blast of energy, indescribable to be precise. More Songs About Buildings And Food, Fear Of Music, and Remain In Light were the party albums of both summer and fall. "Mind" will be my most played song of the year. Byrne sucks you in so quickly. It's dangerous how talented he is! They've been my Weight Loss '09 soundtrack, and am anxiously awaiting to expand my collection in the new year.

-St. Vincent: Where to begin! FUCK ME!! At first glance Annie Clark (SOLE song writer and lyricist) comes off alien like. Then you hear her guitar... The biggest left field success of all year is her foot stomper, "Actor Out Of Work." It rocks so badly it hurts. Literally. And it only gets better from there. 2009's Actor will go down as the top dog for sure. Every track has everything you'd ever want in a song, plus a jaw dropping voice to boot. "The Party" bleeds beauty. Her simple piano and simple love-struck lyrics had me by the throat for a majority of this year. Marry Me,her 2007 debut, is also outstanding. Not a sour note in the bunch. The melodies are so contagious that I've yet to find ONE person not impressed by what they hear. Annie is singly handily changing the face of indie rock. Fuck those "prim&proper" haters, this is the real deal. Both albums are indispensable!!!! Don't be afraid.

I'll post again soon on my top album and song picks, which will include stuff not released this year. Still so much to listen to! Still so much to learn! It's an exciting adventure.

Troubles

A lot of difficulty has arisen in the last weekend due to my subjects being interviewed. I was finally granted a time to speak to the owner of Used Kids, who has been anything but cooperative in my persistence to get an interview with him on tape. Once I got a time, I realized after requesting a camera with with a microphone port the one I rented did not have one!! Awful. I conducted the interview anyways, but upon requesting a location without music playing in the background, I was shot down because he said he had no control over the store's music that day. In the end, the material he gave me is excellent, but because he spoke so softly, the background music of the store literally drowned everything out. Last night, attempting to hopefully obtain some better quality video, I went back but settled for a young girl who worked there with absolutely no knowledge of what I was aiming to talk about.

To solve my problem, I am thinking about adding subtitles. Hopefully it will not take away from the overall quality of the video, but it most likely will. This has been more than frustrating, and as of now I'm just looking to turn out a final product that hopefully can stand alone amongst my group members who don't seem to have had the same problem. This is what I get for choosing a business with such pretentious workers!

Weekend update

I've had difficulty landing a solid interview with Dan, owner of Used Kids. His schedule is all over the place and not consistent, so I'll be trying again this coming week to capture some good stuff. I made up for that losing feeling by interviewing an acquaintance of mine who is a die-hard used music fiend (and frequent Used Kids shopper). It was a lot of fun; we discussed my topic greatly in depth and he offered me some useful perspectives.

Show 'n' Tell

Ovet the weekend, I email the formal address for Used Kids and am still waiting for a response. I'll most likely just go over in person so I can begin filming during this school week. I've also created a storyboard and list of questions to get a general feel of how I want my video to be carried out. This is what I'll show in class today.