we walked arm in arm, but i didn't feel his touch... a desire i'd first tried to hide, that tingling inside was gone...

Just this last week I ended a 4-year closeted physical relationship between myself and "straight" friend from high school. Tt has been by the far the most miserable experience of life, and what's worse is that this is the second time it's happened. What a joy it is to be labeled psycho by high school peers I hated to begin with. I'm so emotionally attached to Colin and I want nothing more than to cut complete ties with him, but then I'm the asshole because he just wants to be friendly and act like nothing. FUCK YOU asshole how do you think I can just casually waltz in and out of this without any battle wounds? I'm so so hurt by it and what's worse is that miraculously I'm still the bad guy, when it was he he propositioned me in the first place. I bet your high school sweety of three years would love to know that you dream about mutual dick sucking between the two of us.

I'm done feeling sorry for anyone, especially myself. I've been an openly gay man for six years and do not need to jump back into the closet for anyone, especially a small-dicked skate boarder like him who can't appreciate the great qualities I'll eventually bring to a loving relationship. Ultimately, I need to look at these as incredible lessons and demonstrations of will power and self worth. I now know to never fall for anything so loveless and bullshit, so thank you Colin & Lee, and enjoy rotting in the closet for the rest of your life!

On a lighter note, I'd like to thank the wonderful Natasha Khan and her creation Bat For Lashes. What beautiful music, both albums are beyond incredible for any season. I'd be lost without your words of wisdom, my love!

i wanna see my heart's reflection in your eyes

Big time of the year coming up thinking about best albums that have come into my possession this year. There are a few acts that really plucked my heartstrings in '09, bands I should have been into years ago! What can possibly be said about the following:

-Yo La Tengo: I bought I Am Not Afraid Of You... in '06 and was very eh on it for the next two years. Thank moses for their 1993 masterpiece, Painful. A buddy of mine played "Nowhere Near" for me, and it swept me off my goddamn feet. Big time. A melody so simple yet entrancing it's nuts to think only a handful of dedicated fans probably know of it. Opener "Big Day Coming (slow)" is equally captivating, a steady ride through an endless desert of bliss. The same can be said for "A Worrying Thing." Holy shit! If these fine folks have taught me anything, it's the importance of approaching music with patience--not that it's intolerable by any means, but to find deep beauty in the simple things. Nothing will rock your balls harder than the 1-2-3 knockout of "Double Dare," "Sudan Organ," and "Big Day Coming (fast)." I won't be hearing my children thirty years from now thanks to these ditties shredding anything and everything in my ears. And this is only one of several impeccably crafted albums: And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside-Out ("Saturday"--like nothing you've ever heard), Popular Songs, Summer Sun (highly highly underrated), May I Sing With Me, and I Can Hear The Heart Beating As One.

-Portishead: Third was an album I bought on a whim, and thought it was dogshit from the first listen. Couldn't bare it. Shelved it shortly after and let it trap dust for a good eight months. Thank god I came around! Without the brilliance of "The Rip," I might not have ever given this girl the proper attention needed. The weakest track on the album ("Plastic") isn't even bad, it's just competing with ten other fucking killers. Nothing will menace you more than "We Carry On," except maybe "Small," a total throw back to the '70s while simultaneously incorporating a sound like nothing anyone has ever heard. It's as if it were beamed down from another planet; the beats and grooves will have you scratching your head in awe for months. Dummy, their '94 debut, was probably my best summer purchase. The CD practically melted in the car CD player. Hands down the most addictive music I've heard this year. Whoa!

-Talking Heads: After MUCH speculation and terrible effort put forth on my part, I allowed David Byrne to blow my fucking mind at Bonnaroo this summer. The biggest surprise of the weekend! He had 5,000 rollers and stoners dancing like the night would go on forever. "I Zimbra" (from 1979's Fear Of Music) raped everybody's face. It was a blast of energy, indescribable to be precise. More Songs About Buildings And Food, Fear Of Music, and Remain In Light were the party albums of both summer and fall. "Mind" will be my most played song of the year. Byrne sucks you in so quickly. It's dangerous how talented he is! They've been my Weight Loss '09 soundtrack, and am anxiously awaiting to expand my collection in the new year.

-St. Vincent: Where to begin! FUCK ME!! At first glance Annie Clark (SOLE song writer and lyricist) comes off alien like. Then you hear her guitar... The biggest left field success of all year is her foot stomper, "Actor Out Of Work." It rocks so badly it hurts. Literally. And it only gets better from there. 2009's Actor will go down as the top dog for sure. Every track has everything you'd ever want in a song, plus a jaw dropping voice to boot. "The Party" bleeds beauty. Her simple piano and simple love-struck lyrics had me by the throat for a majority of this year. Marry Me,her 2007 debut, is also outstanding. Not a sour note in the bunch. The melodies are so contagious that I've yet to find ONE person not impressed by what they hear. Annie is singly handily changing the face of indie rock. Fuck those "prim&proper" haters, this is the real deal. Both albums are indispensable!!!! Don't be afraid.

I'll post again soon on my top album and song picks, which will include stuff not released this year. Still so much to listen to! Still so much to learn! It's an exciting adventure.